South Asian Love Stories with Project Besharam

Love is as simple or as complicated as we choose to make it.

In the South Asian community, for eons there has only been one vision of what a relationship or family looks like.

Our generation will redefine love, not through a huge revolution but from a series of small, courageous moments.

Not afraid to be the first among your family to love on your own terms.

Not afraid to hold their hand tightly when others glance your way.

Not afraid to turn hushed whispers on phone calls behind closed doors into a life filled with laughter.

We will be the generation who listen to our hearts as much as we do to our heads, and even if we make mistakes, they will be our mistakes to make.

The next time we are asked ‘Log Kya Kahenge’ I hope we are the ones to say ‘Let’s find out’ - in true besharam fashion.

This article is to celebrate South Asian love that transcends

Project Besharam.

cheat sheet:

"besharam" = shameless/shameless person, often used as an insult

"Log Kya Kahenge" = what will people say?, often used as a retort when discussing something taboo

Ayesha and Matt

The first meeting.

When I first met Matt, I imagined that it would be a 'fun fling' and nothing too serious.

I remember meeting him right before he was supposed to move out of a flat he shared short-term with my friend, and we really hit it off. I promised him one date (he tells me that he could sense my reluctance and wanted to make sure I gave him at least one chance).

He had taken me on a surprise hike for our first date where he had to carry me for a small portion because I hadn't worn proper shoes.

A long road ahead…

I even broke up because we were getting too serious, but were back together within days. Eight months into our relationship, I explained to Matt that we couldn't stay together because my parents would not accept our relationship.

Matt hoped that eventually when they met him, they would accept us. We both had very different expectations of our relationship but mutual respect and our growing love for each other made it possible for us to stay together.

My family and I immigrated from Pakistan to Canada when I was only eight years old and so I have spent most of my life here. Early in our relationship, we found we held very similar interests, values, and beliefs. The biggest hurdle was my family - they held very conservative beliefs, condemned dating, and most importantly, had not been exposed to successful inter-racial relationships. Not being able to share a very important part of my life with my parents, I felt I couldn’t be myself around them anymore. Due to this, Matt and I struggled to envision a successful future for our relationship.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is something that happens over time and that is when you begin to fall in love with one another. Matt is such an open, honest, and loving human that it's hard not to fall in love with him (trust me, I tried). I delayed expressing it for a long time.

Why?

1. We were only 19 years old when we met so I didn't want to rush into a relationship.

2. I was afraid that if I admitted to myself that I loved Matt, it would mean fighting for our love and I just was not ready for it.

3. I had been in some terrible relationships before and wanted to be more cautious with how quickly I accepted and reciprocated feelings of love.

That being said, Matt knew he loved me very early in our relationship but waited to express his feelings until he felt I was ready to reciprocate.

So don’t rush the process, and when the time is right, your two worlds will meet.

Jennifer and Davey

The first meeting.

The first week we started dating I told Davey; we can never move in together, he can never meet my family as my boyfriend and we probably won't end up together.

However, we were inseparable all summer. I wrote ‘I love you’ in his childhood bedroom with invisible ink which he found with this special flashlight.

Navigating faith

Growing up, neither of us were religious individuals, but we do have values instilled in us that makes up who we are and make us mutually compatible. We are both open and respectful to either of us getting religious as we get older.

However with my mother, I am bringing up the conversation as we hit different stages of life. The conversations are difficult and emotional, and when we first started dating there were a lot of ultimatums from her. She would say things like “whoever you marry, they would have to be Muslim or convert to Islam” After my mother started pushing me to meet some guys through her for marriage, I told her I have been with Davey for five years and we are planning on getting married in the future. Again she said, “only if he converts to Islam”. Since then, I had to speak to her about how disrespectful it would be for someone to call convert for the sake of converting instead of hearing a calling.

Davey and I have been together for 11 years and have made many conversations come up. In Judaism, religion is passed on from the mother and in Islam the religion is mostly passed on from the father so there were some concerns about our future unborn children. Ultimately, whether it comes to religion, gender, sexuality, or anything else, all we can do is provide our children with information and then it is up to them which direction they would want to go with it.

I am building my practise with time and learning more every day, I have a spot in the house for my practise. Davey is very respectful of my practise, asks questions and even enjoys the smell of incense that I burn in the house. He dresses up in a panjabi (also known as sherwani) and takes part in all celebrations with my family/community. I show up to Seder and other Jewish celebrations with his family, whether it be in the home or at a religious centre.

In your own time...

Do not rush into a relationship. Only marry when ready. Defend your partner from having to change who they are to be with you, when you are told ‘he has to convert.’ Find your middle ground.

That's what makes my story my story and their story theirs.

Rahul and Kamen

The first meeting.

The first time I met Kamen, my intention was to have just casual sex. I had come out of the closet only a few months prior and wasn’t looking for anything serious. I wanted to get things out of my system first.

For our first date, the original plan was to go for a drink at our local pub, but when we arrived there was a football match on. Definitely not a date atmosphere (we exchanged a "yeah we're not doing this" look), so I suggested my favourite coffee shop in town and we hopped on the bus.

I'd been on a couple of dates before, so I wasn't nervous. We made jokes on the bus and didn't take things too seriously. When we arrived at the coffee shop we ordered some tea and sunk on the sofa, getting to know each other. It was nice. We were quite reserved - no kiss, maybe a hug goodbye, if that. But I felt happy. As we walked to the bus stop, we agreed we'd have another date next week. Little did I know, that would be the first time we kiss, stay overnight with each other, and eventually become boyfriends.

Falling for him.

I knew I was in love after 4 months. I knew we both felt the same while cuddling in bed. He hesitated and warned me not to freak out, and said he was falling for me. I said I felt the same, but we didn't say the words yet. A week or so later, I finally said it, and he said the same.

Be clear about feelings and emotions from day one. No secrets. Forget what people think (easier said than done, I know) and for the LGBT+ Asian community, life is too short to hide who you are. Once you're independent and in a safe position to do so, get out there and be yourself.

Merging two lives into one.

I'd like to slowly introduce him to all of my family. Although my mum is fine with me being openly gay, and is keen to meet Kamen, my dad on the other hand has a long way to go - he accepts me for who I am, but the idea of me having a male partner is still something he hasn't gotten over (well, I assume this from our conversations).

I haven't brought it up in a while actually, perhaps it's time to remind him. Until this pandemic dies down though, I won't be able to introduce him to any of my family properly! I have met Kamen's mum though (8 months in, when she came to collect him after finishing university). We get along quite well.

We have very different personalities. He's definitely teased out things in me I didn't know existed - a confidence to sing aloud, listening to new genres of music, different fashion sense, caring less about what people think and the fear of being judged, and, most importantly, that being gay is just not a big deal. We've had polar opposite experiences growing up as gay men - something I have to wrestle with every day. But he's changed my perspective on privacy and shame. He once described himself as an 'open-book', and I've adopted the same philosophy. A year ago, I cared about shame, embarrassment and how I was perceived. I hid certain parts of my life or concealed anything that I thought people would judge me for. Now, I'm ready to try new things, new activities, things I wouldn't dream of doing a year ago, either because I was afraid of being judged, or because I didn't think I was good enough. I can't wait for this pandemic to end and put myself out there. I remember our first date in vivid detail...but I don't recognise myself at all.

I wished I had come out the closet earlier. But if I did, I wouldn't have met my partner today.

Uplifted